The Couch to Kohl's Program

I've been watching episodes of Extreme Weight Loss over the last few days, and I have been so inspired by how people with 150+ pounds to lose have started running. I've always wanted to be a person who loved to run.

Recognize the "b" word there? Much like my desire to "be" an After Shot of myself, I just want to be a person who loves to run. I don't want to feel like actually putting in the time, effort, energy, sweat, tears and inconvenience, I just want to BE a runner. Magically! Or by osmosis. I'm pretty sure that if I watch enough episodes of Extreme Weight Loss and get super amped up seeing morbidly obese people turn into athletes, that should be enough transform me into a fit, muscular size 6 who adores running with all of her being. And who looks hot in spandex.

Is there any question why I'm 85 pounds overweight and 3,000% out of shape? I have a problem with turning my desires into action, and the reason is every. bit. mental. Because action requires me to ditch comfort and change my behavior, and that is something that my brain rebels against like crazy. Right now, I am literally having severe emotional anxiety over the thought of spending 30 minutes exercising, and I know that the only way to make the anxiety stop is to decide not to exercise, thus returning to my comfort zone of immobility.

This isn't about the exercise itself--I've done plenty of that in my life, and I can get through it--it's about getting past my ginormous mental block that is terrified of change. And becoming a person who exercises regularly instead of sitting on her ample behind 24/7 is a big change.

Honestly, I wish that I had something wise or inspiring to say that would be the key to unlocking the motivation to tell my emo brain to shove it and get off the couch and move my rear end, but I'm not there yet. I'm at the beginning of this whole weight loss/get fit process, and I'm still trying to figure out how to push myself through these stupid mental blocks and become the person I want to be, or  at least figure out why I am so afraid of becoming that person.

Since there's no trumpet blasting in the sky or voice from heaven explaining what the problem is, I'm going to do the only thing I know how: I'm going to put one foot in front of the other, and start.

Today, I decided to take the first very teeny steps toward removing the mental blocks. I went shopping, of course! I had a $10 off coupon for Kohl's, so I went there and bought some comfy socks, a nice pair of spandex capris and several t-shirts that will be perfect for exercise. I also came home and found my old iPhone armband and earbuds, made an awesome workout playlist, downloaded a Couch to 5K app to my phone and even bookmarked a page of pre-run stretches on my laptop.

I've officially got all the tools I need to succeed. All that's left is to do it.

Progress!

It has been 10 days since I plunged into my new, healthier lifestyle, and already I’ve seen some very encouraging progress. I’m pretty sure this calls for bullet points!

·         I have lost 5 lbs so far (woo!), and am 20 lbs below my highest weight on 1/1/2013.

·         I’m no longer 100 lbs from my goal—"just" 95 to go.

·         I haven’t felt hungry or deprived at all—I feel good about what I’m eating.

·         The ever-present swelling in my feet has gone waaay down (it’s totally gone on the right ankle, and is only slightly swollen on the left).

·         My face is less puffy, and I feel prettier.

·         I can fit into a pair of jeans that I haven’t worn since last September-ish!

·         I actually made it an entire week-and-a-half without giving up and bingeing, which hasn’t happened in a LONG time.

·         I’m down 10 lbs from the last time I saw my manfriend, with 10 weeks left to lose even more.

It’s very easy to get impatient with the pounds when you have a lot to lose, but I feel like I’m doing pretty well taking one day at a time. In the past, if I dieted for more than a week and still didn’t look like Giselle Bundchen, I’d want to give up. Right now, though, I’m enjoying the progress—little things, like the lines below my cheekbones being slightly deeper—and not getting discouraged with the number of pounds left to lose.

I can do this. I am doing this, and I’m enjoying the small victories along the way.

The Weightness Protection Program

Yesterday while at work, I received a panicked call from my best friend. She wanted me to go on facebook and check to see if a picture of her had been posted (she doesn’t do facebook). One of her relatives had taken a picture of her and posted it to their page, and my friend received a text message about it, and was horrified (seriously, close to hyperventilating). Like me, she doesn’t let people post pictures of her on social media sites, because she has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years, and doesn’t want certain people to know, or to judge her.

I did my best to calm her, assured her she looked fine in the pic (she really did), then proceeded to do what any true friend would—I attempted to hack into the facebook account of the person who posted it, so I could delete it for her. Unfortunately, my attempts were unsuccessful (and I don’t have Kim Kardashian’s number), so now anyone who has seen the photo knows that my friend isn’t a size 4 anymore. She’s emotionally devastated.

This story probably seems a tad melodramatic to anyone who has never struggled with their weight, but to someone who has, I’m betting it’s pretty relatable. Similar scenarios have played out in my own life more times than I care to admit. I went into my Dad’s facebook over Christmas—hey, he left his iPad lying around—to delete several horribly unflattering photos he posted of me without make-up, in mismatched pajamas and at my highest weight EVER, so I completely understand the oh-my-gosh-someone-posted-a-fat-pic-of-me-I-am-going-to-DIE-OF-HUMILIATION feeling.

Since I’ve gained 80 pounds in the last two years, the last thing on earth that I want is for my out-of-state friends, relatives or old boyfriends to see that I have let myself get to my present state of hugeness. I only want to be seen by friends and acquaintances when I look gorgeous and trim, so I’ve avoided events and gatherings of all kinds. I’ve even been scared of my boyfriend proposing (!) because I can’t imagine having engagement or wedding photos of me at this size.

SERIOUSLY?

Why am I living like this? Why am I in constant fear whenever I go out of my house, terrified that a few extremely shallow former guy friends of mine might see me? Why do I refuse to go to events where I might run into someone I haven’t seen in two years? Why am I skipping vacations to visit cousins and aunts I adore, simply because I can’t bear for them to see what I’ve let my body become?

Those questions are a big part of the reason that I decided enough was enough, and made the decision to lose this weight once and for all. I got to the point where my weight was totally controlling my life, and I was serving a self-inflicted prison sentence that only made me rely even more on food for solace and comfort.  

Well. I’m tired of living in my own personal Weightness Protection Program. I’m tired of being afraid of events and people and gossip and Instagram posts. I'm tired of being miserable. I deserve to live a full, happy, healthy life, and this debilitating cycle of overeating, shame and fear is not going to be what drives every decision I make.

I’m officially coming out of hiding. Join me?

You can’t spell celebrate without e-a-t…

My boyfriend took me to Indomania for my birthday a few months ago, and after my rave reviews, my mom and sister decided to go there to celebrate their birthdays as well. (They share a birthday, isn’t that fun?) We spent about five years living in Indonesia when I was a kid, so any chance we get to have Indonesian food—especially that I don’t have to cook myself—we jump at. Or at least, I used to jump at it, before I started eating more consciously. This time, I kind of wanted to run away from it.

Over the last few days I’ve found myself trying to come up with excuses not to go with them. I offered to watch my nephews, I mentioned that the restaurant probably isn’t in my budget this month, etc., but they insisted they didn’t want to celebrate without me. It didn’t help that my sister already had a sitter for the boys, or that the second I mentioned Indomania to my boyfriend, he PayPal-ed me enough money to pay for everyone’s dinner (because he said I’ve been working really hard and I deserve it and he didn’t want me to miss out. Isn’t he sweet?? Swoon...)

Yesterday, I realized that my reservations about going to Indomania have nothing to do with any of the excuses I’ve given. It’s about one thing: my overwhelming fear of blowing it. The diet, that is. I know, I know. This isn’t a diet; it’s a lifestyle. BUT. Let’s be real and say that when a person with an all-or-nothing mentality messes up by even a few calories, there is a tendency to abandon rational thought, overdramatize the situation and view it as the Weight-Loss Apocalypse, and as thus, a decree from the heavens to just go ahead and eat enough for eleven people. (amIright?) When you couple that with the fact that I’ll be in Celebration Mode (a.k.b.f.p.a. [also known by fat people as] An Excuse to Eat Lots of Food Mode), my hesitation is not completely unfounded.

Once I identified the reason for my irrational fear of the birthday dinner, though, I actually felt better about going. It’s not super easy to find the calorie content of Indonesian food, but it’s possible to come pretty close using comparable Thai and Chinese dishes. And there are some lighter selections that I’d be pretty happy to order as well. The bottom line: I can do this. I can choose healthier options, I can take a bite or two of the “evil” foods I want to try without derailing all my efforts to lose weight, and I can learn to celebrate occasions, not food.

Since I am going to be dealing with events, holidays and celebrations of all kinds for the rest of my life, rather than running away when they pop up, I need to start facing them head-on, and learn to fit them seamlessly into a healthy lifestyle. Tonight, I’ll start by celebrating two of my most favorite people on earth, without using their birthday as an excuse to harm my body with more food than it needs.  

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So… am I the only one who is terrified by events that center around food? Any tips for staying on track in when in celebration mode?

Fat People Math: Me + Family = Food

I come from a family of food lovers, so it would stand to reason that our get-togethers often always center around stuffing our faces. Challenge #2 for the weekend was surviving Sunday lunch with my family.

After church I joined my sister, her two little boys and my parents to eat lunch and hang out for the afternoon. There was no way to plan in advance what I was going to eat because we almost never know what we’re going to be eating until someone gets annoyed enough to make an executive decision, which usually happens about an hour after normal people have finished eating lunch.

My mom took the reins on this one, and picked up lunch on her way home. Since my sister is having gall bladder issues, I’m trying to eat healthfully and my dad is supposed to be on a strict diet due to diabetes, heart disease and a plethora of other health problems, she thought it would be a good idea to go to KFC and get several buckets of fried chicken. (My mom weighs roughly 3 ½ pounds, so she cannot be relied upon to know the ins and outs of “trigger foods,” but fried chicken?!)

Honestly, I’d love to tell a riveting tale of my brave battle against extra crispy thighs and biscuits with butter and honey, but there really wasn’t a battle to speak of. I had an original recipe breast (370 calories vs. 470 in extra crispy) and some mashed potatoes and gravy. I decided against a biscuit, because I felt like 180 calories was too much for one of those little things.

And that was that.

I would like to give my superhuman will power all the glory for this one, but I really just didn’t have a big appetite yesterday. I’m not sure why, but I’d LOVE to bottle up that magic and use it on future Sunday lunches. I know myself pretty well, and there’s no way this will be happening on a regular basis. ;)

Happy Monday!

Girls night out, honey there ain't no doubt...

...I'm going eat lots of cals until the boys go ho-ome.

The weekend is coming to an end, and I am mostly proud to say that I navigated my first post-weight-loss-commitment "Girls Night" with little trouble. I'm sure you noticed the words "mostly" and "little." The night was not without its challenges.

The girls chose pizza for dinner, and I considered bringing my own food, but then decided to just eat it and stay within my calorie allotment. I looked up Domino's nutrition facts with my SparkPeople app, and decided in advance how much I would eat. (We ordered thin crust, which is really helpful in shaving off the calories. You still get to enjoy the taste of pizza, but without the bulky bread that adds tons of calories per slice.)

I stopped to grab a bottle of Jose Cuervo Light Mixed Berry Margarita (95 calories per 4-ounce serving), and the night got off to a great start. After pizza and one 8-ounce margarita, I was satisfied and felt very good about myself. I even had calories left over for dessert.

And then came The Great Brownie Battle of 2013.

Someone had made a pan of perfectly chewy, chocolatey brownies, and after fighting the temptation for a while, I decided to have a very small one, because they looked reaaaally good. Of course, every sweets-addicted person knows that eating part of one brownie only leads to an insatiable lust for an entire pan of brownies, so that was a terrible decision on my part. I battled valiantly (for 2 seconds-ish), but in the end, I chose to eat another, full-sized brownie, which pushed me a few hundred calories over my allotment for the day.

Yes, it was a poor choice. But I did get a few positives out of Girls Night.

1. Planning in advance what I was going to eat was really helpful to me. (Thanks, SparkPeople!)
2. I didn't let one unhealthy choice derail my entire commitment to lose weight. Normally after I screw up an eating plan even slightly, I chuck it all and gorge on everything I can find. (I am the definition of "all or nothing.") I didn't do that, even though there was Blue Bell red velvet ice cream in the freezer! 
3. After that brownie, I didn't have anything else the rest of the night. Instead, we burned calories laughing hysterically at a marathon of Impractical Jokers on truTV. Yeah, we know how to party.
4. Despite the hiccup, I still finished the day well under the number of calories my body needs to maintain its weight.
5. I lost another pound the morning after the evil brownie, which I'm pretty sure means that I need to eat those every day. ;)

Pizza, margaritas, brownies, and lessons learned. I think I can call Girls Night #1 a success.

If you've got any tips for healthfully navigating get-togethers like Girls Night, I'd love to hear them!

Losing weight to look hot at my wedding (and other bad ideas)

I once read in a fitness magazine that it’s not a good idea to set a weight-loss goal for an “event” of some kind (wedding, reunion, vacation…).  A single night apparently isn’t enough of a reason to implement serious life changes, and once the event is over, it would stand to reason that your motivation to change will be over as well.

I don't believe everything I read in fitness mags, but I do tend to agree that if an event of some kind is your only motivation to lose weight, you're probably not going to follow through with serious life changes. If you have 10 lbs to lose, maybe. But I've always had a lot more than that to lose, and my reasons need to be a lot bigger than a bridesmaids dress in order to motivate me off of the couch. 

This little nugget of advice from Self or Shape or whatever has stuck with me for a lot of years. As a result, I’ve always tried to at least pretend that my reason for wanting to lose weight is deeper than wowing a boy I had a crush on in high school, or sticking it in the face of someone who insulted me about my size 10 years ago.

I’m definitely not in a fight to lose 100 pounds because I need to fit into a dress. However. I will admit that there is something extremely motivational about a short-term event to work toward; a mini-goal to break up the monotony of the endless striving toward health and wellness. I figure that the motivation of an upcoming event can’t hurt as long as it’s happening within the bounds of my real goal—getting healthy for life.

So, obviously, something is coming up that I'm excited about, and motivated by in the short term, that has that old article rolling around in my brain. I'm going to see my man friend in 11 weeks, and I'm super excited to lose some more weight and be 20 lbs or so smaller than the last time I saw him!

Yes, I'm in a long distance relationship. I didn’t plan on falling for someone who lives 1,500 miles from me, but I did (cute story for another time), so until he can get a job near me and make the big move, we have to settle for seeing each other every three months or so. (I know, booo.)

Knowing that I will see my sweetie soon has definitely added a little excitement—and short-term goal—to this looooong process of dropping 100 lbs. At the very least, it’s created some adrenaline which could very well be that extra prompt I need to say no to those fries, or engage in a little exercise this week.

So... what do you think about losing weight solely for an event? Good idea? Harmful? Thoughts, please!