Good News, Bad News, Bachelorette Finale.

Let’s start with the good news, shall we? I FINALLY STOPPED BLEEDING!!! A few days after my last blog post, the post-op bleeding stopped completely, and I’ve been “normal” ever since. I’m not sure what the blogging equivalent of cartwheels is, but I’m doing them. I can’t even explain what a relief this is. The pathology from the biopsy hasn’t come back, but I’m praying that it’s normal and that in a month or so, my real cycle will return and I can put all this behind me.

Now for the not-so-great news… I had my first gain this past Saturday (my weigh-in day). Instead of moving closer to my goal, I gained a pound back, and am back where I was two weeks ago, at 243. I’m disappointed, but I know it’s my own doing. I used my weekend in the hospital as an excuse to eat French fries and ice cream and not count calories for several days, and it caught up with me. I kind of half-heartedly counted calories last week, and even got on the treadmill, but I guess the naughty indulgences won in the end.

The entire month of July felt a little bit like a bust. I only lost five pounds, as opposed to my 12-pound loss in June. I know that there will be ups and downs, but I can’t help thinking that medicine has something to do with it. I started taking an antidepressant again at the beginning of July, since my anxiety struggles returned, and my weight loss has slowed way down. I am very happy to have those five pounds gone, though. There are worse things than not losing enough—like gaining! I’m glad that despite some of the health challenges I’ve had this month, I still managed to lose. I guess that’s a victory.

Another victory is that I didn’t let my 1-pound weight gain derail my entire goal. Instead, this week I’m back on track with a vengeance. I’m trying to eat a lot cleaner to give my hormones the best chance of coming back into balance, and I’m getting on the treadmill more, because I’m sure exercise will help, too. I’m feeling a little more energetic now that I’m taking iron and not bleeding profusely every day, but I still feel very weak when I get on the treadmill to walk. I’m walking a pathetic 2.8 MPH and lasting only 30 minutes or so, which burns like 150 calories. I hope my energy and endurance will improve as I exercise more and more, because I’d like to restart the Couch to 5K program sometime soon. 

In other news, who watched the million-hour finale of The Bachelorette last night?! I know, I know, the show is pathetic. I usually only watch to practice rolling my eyes for two hours straight, but then, inevitably, I get hooked on the drama and can't stop. I actually really like Chris, the guy Des chose. He was my favorite for most of the season, except for all the times he wrote and/or recited poetry to Des (which was every three seconds, I think). I am just not into poetry and that is the last hobby on earth I'd want in a guy, but hey, to each their own.   

Falling off the wagon...

OK, I didn’t actually fall off the wagon. It was more like I politely asked the wagon driver to pull over, gathered my satchel and gloves, hoisted my skirts and stepped down from the wagon to walk behind it for a spell.

After spending nearly a week riddled with anxiety, barely able to choke down 300-500 calories a day, my appetite returned on Friday. I was grateful, because my weight loss came to a screeching halt at 244 while my body held on for dear life to all of its fat cells and water, trying to compensate for what I’m sure it defined as starvation. So when I actually felt hungry again, rather than worry over how many calories I was eating, I simply made the decision to eat what I wanted while I felt like it. I’m sure I could have eaten a bit more healthfully, but I didn’t go overboard or binge.

Today, I have made the decision to get back on the wagon. My appetite is officially back, and I’m taking new medications that can contribute to weight gain, so I need some structure. I actually gained back a pound when I started taking a hormone that is supposed to get my cycle on track, but I’m not going to let that freak me out. I have to get my body back in order, and right now birth control appears to be the best option.

On that note, I am SO SICK of bleeding. It has been almost seven entire months of a non-stop period, and nothing else I’ve tried (losing 28 lbs., taking vitamins, taking pig thyroid, eating healthier) has helped. The progesterone I just took for a week was supposed to make me stop, but instead it tapered only slightly, and over the last few days has caused what looks like the zombie apocalypse, or a Jodi Arias-like crime scene when I wake up in the morning. (I’m not sure I ever mentioned that I tend to over-share… too late to warn you?) I’m pretty sure I need to go buy a box of adult diapers. Desperation is setting in.

I am hopeful that the BC will level out my hormones, and as I continue to lose weight, I can stop taking it. The doc says I should be able to in 3-6 months. In the meantime, I’ve had lots of blood tests and exams to try and narrow down the problem (which I’m pretty sure is my thyroid, but my doctor is old school, so convincing him has been difficult). I’ve heard horror stories of weight gain from birth control, so I’m going to need to keep track of my calorie intake and exercise whenever possible in order to combat the hormones.

So… it’s back to tracking in the SparkPeople app, and now that my bronchitis is gone, I’ll be jumping back on the treadmill. I’m actually very happy about it. As much as I love food and hate exercise, nothing in the world makes me feel as good as I do when I’m in control of my eating and when I’m making myself move.

Happy Monday! J

Weight Update

Today marks exactly one month that I have been living healthier, eating fewer calories, and even doing a little exercise. I lost four pounds this past week, which probably has a little to do with my bout with sickness and another bout with anxiety, but the scale is moving downward, so I'm happy.

Despite those almost two entire weeks where the scale wouldn't budge, I still lost a total of 12 pounds this month!

I have mentioned before that I suffer from anxiety. I was on medication (SSRI) for almost two years, but in January I got sick of having side effects and having trouble losing weight, so I decided to stop taking them. I enjoyed nearly six months meds-free, and had very little anxiety during that time, but this week it came back with. a. vengeance. I know that it is due in large part to some big life changes that I'm going through right now, and some big decisions that I have to make, but unfortunately my brain doesn't listen to logic when my anxiety is triggered in a big way. I have some medicine left, so I think I'm going to start taking it again, because I really can't handle what anxiety does to me, mentally and physically. I'll go see a doctor ASAP as well.

My only concern with taking meds is that I don't want to become complacent about losing weight. The medicine I take (unlike a few others I've tried) doesn't increase my appetite, so that's a plus, but I don't want to get calm and suddenly be OK with weighing 247 pounds! We'll see how it goes this time around, when I'm conscious of the possibilities of side effects and weight gain. If I keep doing what I've been doing, I should be fine.

Now I'm off to my sister's for the day. She wants me to go to IKEA with her and my two nephews. IKEA. On a Saturday. With two small children. There is not enough Prozac in the WORLD...

The Couch to Kohl's Program

I've been watching episodes of Extreme Weight Loss over the last few days, and I have been so inspired by how people with 150+ pounds to lose have started running. I've always wanted to be a person who loved to run.

Recognize the "b" word there? Much like my desire to "be" an After Shot of myself, I just want to be a person who loves to run. I don't want to feel like actually putting in the time, effort, energy, sweat, tears and inconvenience, I just want to BE a runner. Magically! Or by osmosis. I'm pretty sure that if I watch enough episodes of Extreme Weight Loss and get super amped up seeing morbidly obese people turn into athletes, that should be enough transform me into a fit, muscular size 6 who adores running with all of her being. And who looks hot in spandex.

Is there any question why I'm 85 pounds overweight and 3,000% out of shape? I have a problem with turning my desires into action, and the reason is every. bit. mental. Because action requires me to ditch comfort and change my behavior, and that is something that my brain rebels against like crazy. Right now, I am literally having severe emotional anxiety over the thought of spending 30 minutes exercising, and I know that the only way to make the anxiety stop is to decide not to exercise, thus returning to my comfort zone of immobility.

This isn't about the exercise itself--I've done plenty of that in my life, and I can get through it--it's about getting past my ginormous mental block that is terrified of change. And becoming a person who exercises regularly instead of sitting on her ample behind 24/7 is a big change.

Honestly, I wish that I had something wise or inspiring to say that would be the key to unlocking the motivation to tell my emo brain to shove it and get off the couch and move my rear end, but I'm not there yet. I'm at the beginning of this whole weight loss/get fit process, and I'm still trying to figure out how to push myself through these stupid mental blocks and become the person I want to be, or  at least figure out why I am so afraid of becoming that person.

Since there's no trumpet blasting in the sky or voice from heaven explaining what the problem is, I'm going to do the only thing I know how: I'm going to put one foot in front of the other, and start.

Today, I decided to take the first very teeny steps toward removing the mental blocks. I went shopping, of course! I had a $10 off coupon for Kohl's, so I went there and bought some comfy socks, a nice pair of spandex capris and several t-shirts that will be perfect for exercise. I also came home and found my old iPhone armband and earbuds, made an awesome workout playlist, downloaded a Couch to 5K app to my phone and even bookmarked a page of pre-run stretches on my laptop.

I've officially got all the tools I need to succeed. All that's left is to do it.

My backward before & after...

I talked about before & after photos in my last post, and then I realized that I have one. Unfortunately, it’s not the very inspiring kind...

                                           BEFORE                              AFTER

Well, that was embarrassing.

The photo on the left is of me at roughly 172 lbs, about a year before my doctor put me on anti-depressants and I spiraled into the photo you see on the right. By the time I saw a doctor about my anxiety issues, I had regained some weight and was up to 190 pounds, but I was determined to get back to my goal. That determination disintegrated with my introduction to Citalopram, then Remeron, then Prozac, and over the course of two years I have gained more than 80 pounds. At my highest I was 273 lbs, but I took myself off of anxiety medicine five months ago and I have managed to lose 15 pounds, though every ounce was a huge freaking struggle.

I don’t blame the meds entirely, because the reality of my size caused me to start eating emotionally, which exacerbated the problem, but antidepressants did play a big role in my weight gain. From the time I started taking meds I was extremely lethargic, hungry all the time, foggy, and that alarm that goes off in a non-medicated brain that says “HEY! You’re gaining tons of weight—DO SOMETHING, DUMMY!” was just switched off. It was like the weight gain was happening to someone else, and I was just observing the rapid expansion of my girth unemotionally as a third party.

My body is now a disaster. I have struggled with knee and back problems, stomach ulcers, hernias, GERD, hypothyroid, and menstrual issues (I’ve literally been on my period since Christmas). Now that I’m off of medicine, the logical thing to do is lose weight, but the reality of just how much I need to lose has been a constant excuse to not even try. I am trying, though. Because this is not me. Yes, I’ve struggled with my weight since I was a child. I’ve never been skinny. But I’ve been healthy before, as you can see from the “before” picture above, and I’m determined to get back to that place once again.

Let the hard work begin. Or a nap, and then the hard work… (See?! Constant struggle.)