Friday, May 31, 2013

My backward before & after...

I talked about before & after photos in my last post, and then I realized that I have one. Unfortunately, it’s not the very inspiring kind...

                                           BEFORE                              AFTER


Well, that was embarrassing.

The photo on the left is of me at roughly 172 lbs, about a year before my doctor put me on anti-depressants and I spiraled into the photo you see on the right. By the time I saw a doctor about my anxiety issues, I had regained some weight and was up to 190 pounds, but I was determined to get back to my goal. That determination disintegrated with my introduction to Citalopram, then Remeron, then Prozac, and over the course of two years I have gained more than 80 pounds. At my highest I was 273 lbs, but I took myself off of anxiety medicine five months ago and I have managed to lose 15 pounds, though every ounce was a huge freaking struggle.

I don’t blame the meds entirely, because the reality of my size caused me to start eating emotionally, which exacerbated the problem, but antidepressants did play a big role in my weight gain. From the time I started taking meds I was extremely lethargic, hungry all the time, foggy, and that alarm that goes off in a non-medicated brain that says “HEY! You’re gaining tons of weight—DO SOMETHING, DUMMY!” was just switched off. It was like the weight gain was happening to someone else, and I was just observing the rapid expansion of my girth unemotionally as a third party.

My body is now a disaster. I have struggled with knee and back problems, stomach ulcers, hernias, GERD, hypothyroid, and menstrual issues (I’ve literally been on my period since Christmas). Now that I’m off of medicine, the logical thing to do is lose weight, but the reality of just how much I need to lose has been a constant excuse to not even try. I am trying, though. Because this is not me. Yes, I’ve struggled with my weight since I was a child. I’ve never been skinny. But I’ve been healthy before, as you can see from the “before” picture above, and I’m determined to get back to that place once again.

Let the hard work begin. Or a nap, and then the hard work… (See?! Constant struggle.)

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