I'm not lazy, I'm anemic!

I’ve spent the last week or two feeling like a failure for mostly abandoning exercise. I have had zero energy, so it has been really easy to talk myself out of getting on the treadmill. On Friday I actually forced myself to get on it for 30 minutes, despite how blehhhh I felt, but I ended up walking only 2.5 mph for most of the half hour. I blamed it on being out of shape and not being consistent with exercise. I’ve been counting calories and staying on track with my eating, but I just can’t seem to get moving.

Friday night I went out with my friend J and her girls. We ate at Lime Fresh Mexican Grill and then walked around the mall for a while. I was miserable, and just wanted to sit down the whole time. Looking back, we were only at the mall for around an hour, but I was just deflated and void of energy. Saturday and Sunday, I literally sat around the house and did nothing. I was annoyed with myself for being “lazy,” but I felt awful. Walking to the bathroom or to another room of the house just took energy I didn’t have.

My bleeding has been getting steadily worse on the birth control, so I called the doctor and he said to stop taking it. He said that if the Provera didn’t stop the bleeding, the BC wouldn’t either. He told me I need to have a D&C, which is stressing me out since I don’t have health insurance, and those probably definitely aren’t cheap. He doesn’t think I have any other option, though. Everything I take to try and stop bleeding just makes me bleed more heavily. Unfortunately, when I stopped taking the BC, the bleeding got even heavier, and I have awful cramps every day now.

So… I FINALLY got my blood test results back from the lab on Monday. When I went to pick them up, my doctor had two prescriptions waiting for me, and my lack of energy and crummy feelings now make sense. My iron levels and blood count were extremely out of whack, and I’m definitely very anemic. The scary thing is that when I had the blood tests three weeks ago, the bleeding wasn’t anywhere near as bad as it is right now. If they did the test now, I’m sure my iron and all those blood levels would be even lower thanks to the last 3 weeks of hellishness. My vitamin D3 level was also very very low. No wonder I haven’t had any energy! I’m taking prescription strength iron and D3 supplements, so I’m hoping that helps boost my energy soon. Even with the iron, though, if I don’t stop bleeding, I’m going to keep feeling bad. UGH.

I’m happy that I don’t have to deal with the nausea from the BC any more, but my appetite is responding to the hormone change. On BC, sweets just didn’t sound good to me, but now I think about chocolate 23 ½ hours a day, at least. I’m proud of myself for staying on track despite that insatiable desire for candy bars, cookies and brownies, but it’s not easy. Pretzel M&Ms have been a life saver since a whole bag only has 150 calories, and satisfies the chocolate craving. For an hour or so, anyway. ;)

My weight loss has slowed to a crawl, and I'm blaming all the hormones I've been taking. I've only lost a pound a week for the last several weeks, but I guess that beats gaining. I am hopeful that figuring out why my body hates me, and fixing it, will help get my weight loss back on track. I am proud, though, to be officially down 30 pounds since January! I have a looooong way to go, but I'm happy with what I've done so far. 

She's ba-aaaaack...

OK, I should probably be happy that my appetite has sort of returned, rather than wishing the nausea would stick around. But… but… eating less is so much easier when the thought of food makes you want to hurl! #firstworldproblems

I’m not quite as nauseated as I was during the awful first week of birth control. Now, it seems I’m hungry during the morning and around lunchtime, and then I get nauseated in the late afternoon/evenings. Over the weekend, though, I was STARVED at lunch every day. On Friday I felt insatiable around noon, and that terrified me because I felt like I wanted to eat everything in sight. I was worried I wouldn’t have enough calories left for the evening and that I’d end up bingeing or chucking the diet. But it turns out that after I would eat a decent meal, I felt better, and then didn’t seem to get hungry for dinner. These appetite changes have been weird because I’m normally one to save a bunch of my calories for the evening, since that’s when I enjoy eating the most. I know that’s not necessarily healthy, so maybe the meds will retrain me a little. Maybe.

On Saturday we celebrated my nephew’s 4^th birthday with lunch at Fridays and an afternoon showing of Despicable Me 2. I planned my eating in advance, and did pretty well at TGIF. I had a couple bites of the soft pretzels and beer cheese appetizer, then ate a petite sirloin with mashed potatoes and veggies. I wasn’t completely satisfied after lunch, so I got some popcorn to share with the birthday boy. He was incensed that the entire bag wasn’t for him, even though he ate a ton of lunch and got a free birthday sundae to top it off. I finally convinced him to let me hold the bag between us… um, he takes after my side of the family in the eating department, can you tell? We call it “high food pressure.” ;)  His brother is 7, and takes after his dad when it comes to eating. He won’t indulge if he isn’t truly hungry, and he will pick veggies and fruit over French fries any day. I gave him a cup of popcorn and he didn’t touch it. So strange how brothers can be so different! I, on the other hand, touched WAY too much popcorn. I didn’t put butter on it, though, and then I didn’t eat anything the rest of the day, so it wasn’t too bad.

My mom texted me during church yesterday (she is the worst pastor’s wife ever…) and told me she wanted meatloaf and mashed potatoes for lunch. Comfort food sounded SO yummy, so after my church service ended I went and bought the ingredients and made a meal for my parents. We ate kind of late, and I had two helpings (oops), but I ended up not eating supper for the second day in a row because I was still full. I also had no energy yesterday, so I ended up sitting around watching like 562 episodes of Property Virgins and House Hunters on HGTV.

Did I work out this weekend, you ask? Uh… does thinking seriously about working out count?

Falling off the wagon...

OK, I didn’t actually fall off the wagon. It was more like I politely asked the wagon driver to pull over, gathered my satchel and gloves, hoisted my skirts and stepped down from the wagon to walk behind it for a spell.

After spending nearly a week riddled with anxiety, barely able to choke down 300-500 calories a day, my appetite returned on Friday. I was grateful, because my weight loss came to a screeching halt at 244 while my body held on for dear life to all of its fat cells and water, trying to compensate for what I’m sure it defined as starvation. So when I actually felt hungry again, rather than worry over how many calories I was eating, I simply made the decision to eat what I wanted while I felt like it. I’m sure I could have eaten a bit more healthfully, but I didn’t go overboard or binge.

Today, I have made the decision to get back on the wagon. My appetite is officially back, and I’m taking new medications that can contribute to weight gain, so I need some structure. I actually gained back a pound when I started taking a hormone that is supposed to get my cycle on track, but I’m not going to let that freak me out. I have to get my body back in order, and right now birth control appears to be the best option.

On that note, I am SO SICK of bleeding. It has been almost seven entire months of a non-stop period, and nothing else I’ve tried (losing 28 lbs., taking vitamins, taking pig thyroid, eating healthier) has helped. The progesterone I just took for a week was supposed to make me stop, but instead it tapered only slightly, and over the last few days has caused what looks like the zombie apocalypse, or a Jodi Arias-like crime scene when I wake up in the morning. (I’m not sure I ever mentioned that I tend to over-share… too late to warn you?) I’m pretty sure I need to go buy a box of adult diapers. Desperation is setting in.

I am hopeful that the BC will level out my hormones, and as I continue to lose weight, I can stop taking it. The doc says I should be able to in 3-6 months. In the meantime, I’ve had lots of blood tests and exams to try and narrow down the problem (which I’m pretty sure is my thyroid, but my doctor is old school, so convincing him has been difficult). I’ve heard horror stories of weight gain from birth control, so I’m going to need to keep track of my calorie intake and exercise whenever possible in order to combat the hormones.

So… it’s back to tracking in the SparkPeople app, and now that my bronchitis is gone, I’ll be jumping back on the treadmill. I’m actually very happy about it. As much as I love food and hate exercise, nothing in the world makes me feel as good as I do when I’m in control of my eating and when I’m making myself move.

Happy Monday! J