Good News, Bad News, Bachelorette Finale.

Let’s start with the good news, shall we? I FINALLY STOPPED BLEEDING!!! A few days after my last blog post, the post-op bleeding stopped completely, and I’ve been “normal” ever since. I’m not sure what the blogging equivalent of cartwheels is, but I’m doing them. I can’t even explain what a relief this is. The pathology from the biopsy hasn’t come back, but I’m praying that it’s normal and that in a month or so, my real cycle will return and I can put all this behind me.

Now for the not-so-great news… I had my first gain this past Saturday (my weigh-in day). Instead of moving closer to my goal, I gained a pound back, and am back where I was two weeks ago, at 243. I’m disappointed, but I know it’s my own doing. I used my weekend in the hospital as an excuse to eat French fries and ice cream and not count calories for several days, and it caught up with me. I kind of half-heartedly counted calories last week, and even got on the treadmill, but I guess the naughty indulgences won in the end.

The entire month of July felt a little bit like a bust. I only lost five pounds, as opposed to my 12-pound loss in June. I know that there will be ups and downs, but I can’t help thinking that medicine has something to do with it. I started taking an antidepressant again at the beginning of July, since my anxiety struggles returned, and my weight loss has slowed way down. I am very happy to have those five pounds gone, though. There are worse things than not losing enough—like gaining! I’m glad that despite some of the health challenges I’ve had this month, I still managed to lose. I guess that’s a victory.

Another victory is that I didn’t let my 1-pound weight gain derail my entire goal. Instead, this week I’m back on track with a vengeance. I’m trying to eat a lot cleaner to give my hormones the best chance of coming back into balance, and I’m getting on the treadmill more, because I’m sure exercise will help, too. I’m feeling a little more energetic now that I’m taking iron and not bleeding profusely every day, but I still feel very weak when I get on the treadmill to walk. I’m walking a pathetic 2.8 MPH and lasting only 30 minutes or so, which burns like 150 calories. I hope my energy and endurance will improve as I exercise more and more, because I’d like to restart the Couch to 5K program sometime soon. 

In other news, who watched the million-hour finale of The Bachelorette last night?! I know, I know, the show is pathetic. I usually only watch to practice rolling my eyes for two hours straight, but then, inevitably, I get hooked on the drama and can't stop. I actually really like Chris, the guy Des chose. He was my favorite for most of the season, except for all the times he wrote and/or recited poetry to Des (which was every three seconds, I think). I am just not into poetry and that is the last hobby on earth I'd want in a guy, but hey, to each their own.   

Post-Op

Well it has been a lovely few days. Allow me to fill you in.

When the doc told me to stop the birth control last week, my body responded by bleeding even more. Yeah, super fun. I started doing extensive research on what my problem could be, and I got scared. Apparently, the longer one’s body remains in an estrogen-dominant state, and the longer one bleeds, the higher the chances that “abnormal” or cancerous cells will develop. I read story after story (bad idea, I know) of women my age with my problem who had endometrial cancer and had to have hysterectomies. I should stay away from the internet, for sure, but I didn’t. I called the doctor Wednesday afternoon to tell him the bleeding was worse, and he ordered me to go to the ER the next morning. So that night I was really upset about everything, and worried about going to the hospital, and I ate emotionally. A lot. When I realized what I was doing, I stopped, but I was surprised at just how easy it is for depression/worry/anxiety to set in and trigger the desire to stuff my face with calories I don’t even want. I was mad at myself, but decided to just learn and move on.

Thursday morning I went to the ER, and they admitted me. They starved me the entire day due to my doc’s orders (he thought they might do the D&C that day), did lots of blood work and an ultrasound, and then I got to lay in my room hooked up to an IV while waiting for the gynecological consult. I guess there were lots of babies being born or something, because he didn’t get to my room until after 10 PM. We chatted for a while, and then I went through the most AWKWARD vaginal exam EVER, on my hospital bed. I’m talking, my feet were resting on the gyno’s thighs since there were no stirrups, and a herd of nurses decided they needed to watch this lovely occasion like it was a movie premiere, ‘cause I guess there was nothing more exciting going on. Not fun.

Sexy leg compression-y things

 When he finished the exam, the doctor agreed to let me eat something in my 30-minute window before midnight, since they decided to do the D&C the next morning. They brought me a sandwich and applesauce, which was heavenly after fasting all day, and I ate before going to sleep. By “sleep,” of course, I mean laying awake all night on the horrendously uncomfortable hospital bed and being poked/prodded/vital-signed until dawn.

Press "up" to be elevated to a position that will require lumbar spine surgery.
Press "down" to ensure you don't fall asleep until next Wednesday...

Friday morning they prepped me for a D&C and hysteroscopy, and I vaguely remember being wheeled into surgery before going unconscious. I was in pain when I woke up, but they put something in my IV to help with that, and I haven’t had much pain since then. After pumping my veins full of iron and feeding me a yummy hospital lunch, they released me Friday evening. I spent the rest of the weekend eating unhealthy things and laying around looking at the fugly bruise the IV and liquid iron left on my arm.

I don’t have the pathology report from the biopsy yet. I should get it in a week or so when I follow up with the doctor. I’m still bleeding a little from the procedure, but it’s supposed to stop in a week or so. In the meantime, I’m trying to eat healthy, non-estrogenic foods and exercise much as I can. I’m 3,000% convinced that the only thing that will make me better is losing weight and getting fit.

I'm not lazy, I'm anemic!

I’ve spent the last week or two feeling like a failure for mostly abandoning exercise. I have had zero energy, so it has been really easy to talk myself out of getting on the treadmill. On Friday I actually forced myself to get on it for 30 minutes, despite how blehhhh I felt, but I ended up walking only 2.5 mph for most of the half hour. I blamed it on being out of shape and not being consistent with exercise. I’ve been counting calories and staying on track with my eating, but I just can’t seem to get moving.

Friday night I went out with my friend J and her girls. We ate at Lime Fresh Mexican Grill and then walked around the mall for a while. I was miserable, and just wanted to sit down the whole time. Looking back, we were only at the mall for around an hour, but I was just deflated and void of energy. Saturday and Sunday, I literally sat around the house and did nothing. I was annoyed with myself for being “lazy,” but I felt awful. Walking to the bathroom or to another room of the house just took energy I didn’t have.

My bleeding has been getting steadily worse on the birth control, so I called the doctor and he said to stop taking it. He said that if the Provera didn’t stop the bleeding, the BC wouldn’t either. He told me I need to have a D&C, which is stressing me out since I don’t have health insurance, and those probably definitely aren’t cheap. He doesn’t think I have any other option, though. Everything I take to try and stop bleeding just makes me bleed more heavily. Unfortunately, when I stopped taking the BC, the bleeding got even heavier, and I have awful cramps every day now.

So… I FINALLY got my blood test results back from the lab on Monday. When I went to pick them up, my doctor had two prescriptions waiting for me, and my lack of energy and crummy feelings now make sense. My iron levels and blood count were extremely out of whack, and I’m definitely very anemic. The scary thing is that when I had the blood tests three weeks ago, the bleeding wasn’t anywhere near as bad as it is right now. If they did the test now, I’m sure my iron and all those blood levels would be even lower thanks to the last 3 weeks of hellishness. My vitamin D3 level was also very very low. No wonder I haven’t had any energy! I’m taking prescription strength iron and D3 supplements, so I’m hoping that helps boost my energy soon. Even with the iron, though, if I don’t stop bleeding, I’m going to keep feeling bad. UGH.

I’m happy that I don’t have to deal with the nausea from the BC any more, but my appetite is responding to the hormone change. On BC, sweets just didn’t sound good to me, but now I think about chocolate 23 ½ hours a day, at least. I’m proud of myself for staying on track despite that insatiable desire for candy bars, cookies and brownies, but it’s not easy. Pretzel M&Ms have been a life saver since a whole bag only has 150 calories, and satisfies the chocolate craving. For an hour or so, anyway. ;)

My weight loss has slowed to a crawl, and I'm blaming all the hormones I've been taking. I've only lost a pound a week for the last several weeks, but I guess that beats gaining. I am hopeful that figuring out why my body hates me, and fixing it, will help get my weight loss back on track. I am proud, though, to be officially down 30 pounds since January! I have a looooong way to go, but I'm happy with what I've done so far. 

She's ba-aaaaack...

OK, I should probably be happy that my appetite has sort of returned, rather than wishing the nausea would stick around. But… but… eating less is so much easier when the thought of food makes you want to hurl! #firstworldproblems

I’m not quite as nauseated as I was during the awful first week of birth control. Now, it seems I’m hungry during the morning and around lunchtime, and then I get nauseated in the late afternoon/evenings. Over the weekend, though, I was STARVED at lunch every day. On Friday I felt insatiable around noon, and that terrified me because I felt like I wanted to eat everything in sight. I was worried I wouldn’t have enough calories left for the evening and that I’d end up bingeing or chucking the diet. But it turns out that after I would eat a decent meal, I felt better, and then didn’t seem to get hungry for dinner. These appetite changes have been weird because I’m normally one to save a bunch of my calories for the evening, since that’s when I enjoy eating the most. I know that’s not necessarily healthy, so maybe the meds will retrain me a little. Maybe.

On Saturday we celebrated my nephew’s 4^th birthday with lunch at Fridays and an afternoon showing of Despicable Me 2. I planned my eating in advance, and did pretty well at TGIF. I had a couple bites of the soft pretzels and beer cheese appetizer, then ate a petite sirloin with mashed potatoes and veggies. I wasn’t completely satisfied after lunch, so I got some popcorn to share with the birthday boy. He was incensed that the entire bag wasn’t for him, even though he ate a ton of lunch and got a free birthday sundae to top it off. I finally convinced him to let me hold the bag between us… um, he takes after my side of the family in the eating department, can you tell? We call it “high food pressure.” ;)  His brother is 7, and takes after his dad when it comes to eating. He won’t indulge if he isn’t truly hungry, and he will pick veggies and fruit over French fries any day. I gave him a cup of popcorn and he didn’t touch it. So strange how brothers can be so different! I, on the other hand, touched WAY too much popcorn. I didn’t put butter on it, though, and then I didn’t eat anything the rest of the day, so it wasn’t too bad.

My mom texted me during church yesterday (she is the worst pastor’s wife ever…) and told me she wanted meatloaf and mashed potatoes for lunch. Comfort food sounded SO yummy, so after my church service ended I went and bought the ingredients and made a meal for my parents. We ate kind of late, and I had two helpings (oops), but I ended up not eating supper for the second day in a row because I was still full. I also had no energy yesterday, so I ended up sitting around watching like 562 episodes of Property Virgins and House Hunters on HGTV.

Did I work out this weekend, you ask? Uh… does thinking seriously about working out count?

Falling off the wagon...

OK, I didn’t actually fall off the wagon. It was more like I politely asked the wagon driver to pull over, gathered my satchel and gloves, hoisted my skirts and stepped down from the wagon to walk behind it for a spell.

After spending nearly a week riddled with anxiety, barely able to choke down 300-500 calories a day, my appetite returned on Friday. I was grateful, because my weight loss came to a screeching halt at 244 while my body held on for dear life to all of its fat cells and water, trying to compensate for what I’m sure it defined as starvation. So when I actually felt hungry again, rather than worry over how many calories I was eating, I simply made the decision to eat what I wanted while I felt like it. I’m sure I could have eaten a bit more healthfully, but I didn’t go overboard or binge.

Today, I have made the decision to get back on the wagon. My appetite is officially back, and I’m taking new medications that can contribute to weight gain, so I need some structure. I actually gained back a pound when I started taking a hormone that is supposed to get my cycle on track, but I’m not going to let that freak me out. I have to get my body back in order, and right now birth control appears to be the best option.

On that note, I am SO SICK of bleeding. It has been almost seven entire months of a non-stop period, and nothing else I’ve tried (losing 28 lbs., taking vitamins, taking pig thyroid, eating healthier) has helped. The progesterone I just took for a week was supposed to make me stop, but instead it tapered only slightly, and over the last few days has caused what looks like the zombie apocalypse, or a Jodi Arias-like crime scene when I wake up in the morning. (I’m not sure I ever mentioned that I tend to over-share… too late to warn you?) I’m pretty sure I need to go buy a box of adult diapers. Desperation is setting in.

I am hopeful that the BC will level out my hormones, and as I continue to lose weight, I can stop taking it. The doc says I should be able to in 3-6 months. In the meantime, I’ve had lots of blood tests and exams to try and narrow down the problem (which I’m pretty sure is my thyroid, but my doctor is old school, so convincing him has been difficult). I’ve heard horror stories of weight gain from birth control, so I’m going to need to keep track of my calorie intake and exercise whenever possible in order to combat the hormones.

So… it’s back to tracking in the SparkPeople app, and now that my bronchitis is gone, I’ll be jumping back on the treadmill. I’m actually very happy about it. As much as I love food and hate exercise, nothing in the world makes me feel as good as I do when I’m in control of my eating and when I’m making myself move.

Happy Monday! J

Weight Update

Today marks exactly one month that I have been living healthier, eating fewer calories, and even doing a little exercise. I lost four pounds this past week, which probably has a little to do with my bout with sickness and another bout with anxiety, but the scale is moving downward, so I'm happy.

Despite those almost two entire weeks where the scale wouldn't budge, I still lost a total of 12 pounds this month!

I have mentioned before that I suffer from anxiety. I was on medication (SSRI) for almost two years, but in January I got sick of having side effects and having trouble losing weight, so I decided to stop taking them. I enjoyed nearly six months meds-free, and had very little anxiety during that time, but this week it came back with. a. vengeance. I know that it is due in large part to some big life changes that I'm going through right now, and some big decisions that I have to make, but unfortunately my brain doesn't listen to logic when my anxiety is triggered in a big way. I have some medicine left, so I think I'm going to start taking it again, because I really can't handle what anxiety does to me, mentally and physically. I'll go see a doctor ASAP as well.

My only concern with taking meds is that I don't want to become complacent about losing weight. The medicine I take (unlike a few others I've tried) doesn't increase my appetite, so that's a plus, but I don't want to get calm and suddenly be OK with weighing 247 pounds! We'll see how it goes this time around, when I'm conscious of the possibilities of side effects and weight gain. If I keep doing what I've been doing, I should be fine.

Now I'm off to my sister's for the day. She wants me to go to IKEA with her and my two nephews. IKEA. On a Saturday. With two small children. There is not enough Prozac in the WORLD...

My weekend from the hot place...

What started out as a really fun weekend ended badly on Saturday night. I had managed to avoid the whooping cough that plagued all of my coworkers for the last few weeks, but as I sat watching a movie with my sister, I felt that gross tickle in the back of my throat. Then came the coughing. Then came the upper respiratory infection and the worst two days of my life (OK, maybe a slight exaggeration.)

I didn’t sleep at all on Saturday night, and spent all day Sunday about as miserable as I can remember being since I got swine flu four years ago. Disgusting chest congestion made it hard to breath, and I had a fever off and on for 24 hours. Fever is a big deal to me, because it happens so rarely—I once went 10 years without getting one. True story. I think. Anyway, I spent Sunday and Monday in bed watching episode after episode of House Hunters and Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives, but forced myself to go in to work today, against my better judgment. (And based on the death glares from the now healthy people in the office, it was against their better judgment, too.)

I’m still not feeling great, but I feel sooo much better than I did Sunday, and I’m definitely headed in the right direction.

Out of nowhere this weekend I dropped a couple more pounds, and surpassed my “10 lbs down” goal for the month. I’m at 10.5 lbs lost since May 29^th, and I’m hoping for a little more by Saturdays weigh-in. Weight loss is so funny (well, not funny when I’m frustrated and ready to smash the scale with an axe)—one day I’m furious that the numbers haven’t moved in two weeks, and the next, I’m giggling with glee at an overnight loss of 3 pounds. This last month of living healthfully has at least reinforced that I can truly “trust the process.” It’s so easy to get discouraged and think that I just physically can’t lose weight, but after seeing how the scale has been weird over the last 4 weeks, and seeing that the results are there, just not as uniformly as I like, I’m encouraged that I really can trust the process. Eating fewer calories and moving more really does work! Who would’ve thought?

Speaking of weight loss... My mom is a nurse, and she stopped in to see how I was doing on Sunday night. While she was listening to my lungs, she kept commenting about how my heart was racing. Since I'd been sitting motionless for a full 24 hours, that was odd. We finally realized it was the Maximum Strength Mucinex liquid I'd been taking every four hours. It had my heart rate way up... no wonder I lost a few pounds! Disclaimer: Do NOT go to Wal Mart and buy a case of Mucinex to try and speed up your weight loss. Go to Costco. Much cheaper. ;)

I hope your week got off to a much better start than mine! J